The Beached Whale | Chris von Ulmenstein

The beaching of a single (no surprise), live animal is usually the result of sickness (mental maybe?) or injury. Bad weather, old age (#fact), navigation errors, and hunting (teeth needed) too close to shore also contribute to beachings.

Beached whales often die due to dehydration, collapsing under their own weight. (#Fact)

OPEN PETITON TO STOP CHRIS VON ULMENSTEIN https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/stop-chris-von-ulmenstein#comments

A few comments from an Online Petition against her | STOP Chris von Ulmenstein (Whale Cottage Portfolio)

The woman is an angry, bitter racist bully and should go back to Germany. How she could get to be around 80 years old and not been locked-up – is beyond me.
Can someone please tell her to also dress properly?
Nobody wants to see all that exposed fat. She is disgusting.


Her psychiatrist must have told Chris Von Ulmenstein to note down everything she is thankful for everyday, in a bid to make her happy. Clearly it didn’t work but it is super funny to read.

She then recommended to Chris Von Ulmenstein to pick up trash on the beach, in order to try and get people to like her. Unfortunately she needs to learn to love herself first (I agree that will be impossible) and be a good person (another impossibility) in order for anyone to like such a mean, toxic, twisted person.

What will however make us happy, is if she moves to somewhere (very far away) where there are no other people she can hurt and abuse.

Karma is a strange thing Chris Von Ulmenstein!


Rude bitch who likes the sound of her own voice and thrive on negativity. COVID, do your thing…


She is a horribly abrasive woman the lord decides to put om my path to test my inherent respect for elders. A very bitter unhappy tannie, shame. I’ll pray for her but at the same time I wish she would get short recurring bouts of chronic diarrhea…

Llandi Beeslaar

“Is this the same Chris von Ulmenstein who called the Cape Town Tourism CEO a fat fraud? When karma bitch-slaps you she sometimes does so in the most unexpected ways. It seems like CTT has friends in higher places.” – Gerhard

Chris von Ulmenstein makes a concerted effort to make people around her miserable! She should not deserve any platform to spew her arrogant bitterness and hate. South Africa will be a better place without the likes of her!


A talentless, attention-seeking, delusional person.


Chris Vol Ulmenstein is the worst tour guide I have ever used. Her driving is terrible and her knowledge non-existent. I noticed too late unfortunately that she was already booted out of the Guest House industry – heaven forbid what she is going to do to the Tour Guide Industry. Except for being unknowledgeable and a bit untidy in her appearance, her car was dirty. She was late for our appointment and I found her to be a huge racist. She was saying derogatory things about the people who she supposedly employs to clean the beach. With the things that she said about them, I can’t believe she doesn’t fear for her life. Anyway – Will research someone before I use them again.

Rene van der Merwe

This lady deserves to be kept in the dark. She is evil and have personal information that will be the end of her. Forever! Going public soon…


Sour old lady who failed at her own business attempts and now she tries her best to drag other people’s names through the mud.


So this woman walks in to our store, blatant rudeness is what comes out of her mouth. she gets asked sit down for a consultation and she flips out passing comments about having to sit down. no one responded rudely back to her and that upset her even more. I cannot believe this woman is a human being. luckily im a internet boffin and found that she is actually a serial narcissist and that this is actually her thing. so I will sign this petition proudly because this shark needs to be shamed..

Wayne Spencer

this woman is between psychiatric madness and loneliness and boredom that pushes her further and further away at a time it prevents her from harming


Chris Von Ulmenstein I find her energy extremely toxic. Her personality is not fitted for a tour guide in Camps Bay. I would avoid her services in Cape Town at all cost. Her reputation in general is referred to as being an old butter face with psychotic tendencies. After reviewing her boring blog I can only agree that the content reflects her outdated knowledge of the tourism industry. It is time for her to retire.


Have read and heard from people of her deliberately damaging reviews and rudeness which are more often than not entirely without reason


“Laughable. Chris goes to @Eat_Out Awards to hear how many winning restaurants she’s barred from.”

This woman has serious personal issues and her vitriolic comments are directed at people personally trying to work, build businesses. She is just an a awful unhappy woman that needs to stop!

Charlie lakin

To never be allowed ever in any restaurant ever again


Stop this rude creature!!! Get her out of the beautiful Cape and South Africa!! Cape Town does not deserve this. Save the Mother City from this beast!


Wow. Just got a phone call from this rude woman, demanding that I take my Petition Tweet down. Threatening with lawsuits.. Really??

David Ryan

What you are all missing is that she IS actually disabled. She suffers from various mental illnesses, chief amongst which is her sense of delusion and false grandeur.

If you only knew the facts of her life you would actually feel sorry for her – isolated and boycotted by her family, no friends, no relationships in her life, ignored and scorned by the tourism industry (kicked out of FEDHASA and Cape Town Tourism) and currently in the throes of being sued for defamation by Cape Town Tourism.

This will cost her a shedload of money and bankrupt her.

Her only friend is her laptop, over which she huddles for hours on end, into the small hours of the morning, scratching amongst the detritus of the cyberworld, looking for shitty things to say about all her imagined enemies. They are not actual enemies (although she does have some).

The vast majority see her as a kind of circus act, and quietly hope she’ll clear off to another planet, fall under a bus, or just disappear.

All her destructive, mostly self destructive, activity in Cape Town is one big cry for attention. “Look at me!, Look at me!”, it screeches.

But the thing is that no one takes her, or her rantings, seriously. Maybe she’ll come to her senses when she goes out of business, or is handed down a massive fine from the defamation lawsuit.

Either way, ordinary decent people will shrug and think “Stupid bitch, she had it coming”, and continue to get on with their lives.

In the meantime she will make as many peoples lives as uncomfortable as she can, precisely because she has none of her own.

Nonnie Hertzog

He is even barred from using #Uber for life! #Banned

Much more comments on this link: STOP Chris von Ulmenstein (Whale Cottage Portfolio)

Thank you Bertus Basson for the Picture! This will remain classic and so applicable!

Let us laugh, because some people are laughing stock. Some people are so obsessed and captivated with SABA that they devote most of their time and energy writing novels about us in order to forget about their own failures in life.

Derek smiling after 5 canapés, 2 cappuccinos, 3 vapes & fighting with the producer Michael Duffett on set. We had to remind him (Derek) of his bag that he left behind.
Derek's comment after the interview: "You guys are doing a good job" - Derek Watts
Derek smiling after 5 canapés, 2 cappuccinos, 3 vapes & fighting with the producer Michael Duffett on set. We had to remind him (Derek) of his bag that he left behind.

Derek’s comment after the interview: “You guys are doing a good job” – Derek Watts

She even has her own admirer on Twitter


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